Holding both in July
vacation life, real life and a full circle moment
I’ve been sitting with what to write for a while, not quite knowing where to begin. July has been a month that holds more than words can carry and yet, I still feel the pull to attempt to express from where I am.
There are parts of this season I’m not ready to write about. Not because I don’t want to be honest but because they are still too raw and too in process. Some of the things I’m grieving and holding right now feel like tectonic shifts. I’m walking through deep, life-defining reckonings around past trauma, around love and marriage, around the story I’ve lived and the one I’m beginning to choose.
And if you’re over there wondering if I’ve been here for awhile…why yes, yes I have. Unfortunately, this level of healing takes time, patience, and I still have a lot to learn around giving myself compassion and permission to fully grieve.
This clarity I’ve been gaining around the reality of ‘what is’ has been a sloooow burn. The curtain has been pulled back only little by little. Our nervous systems can only take in so much at a time while remaining in tolerable discomfort and not completely going into dysregulation, especially when there’s been an injury to your understanding of reality and identity.
And truthfully, expression itself hasn’t felt easy. I’ve been teetering in survival mode as I process, and my trauma response is to go quiet. Silence and going in on myself was how I kept myself safe for so long. So now to write and share, even in small ways, feels suuuper vulnerable. I’m learning how to say just enough without betraying the sacredness of what I’m holding but honor my desire to share and express within my limits.
So here’s what I can say: July held so much. Beauty, numbness, courage, self-connection and fun.
We went to France this month! I flew to Paris and was there for a couple of days by myself before my husband took the train from England to meet me there. It was quite the reparenting experience for me to do that by myself as I’ve only done one solo trip before. It was a good exercise in helping me experience my capability, my self-regulation skills, and the understanding that I really don’t like traveling alone and that’s okay.
I was in Paris for 3 days, 2 of them by myself. It was nice to wander around aimlessly and stumble upon things…but I also realized that Paris is not a place to go alone, at least for me.
Then we took the train to the south of France and stayed on, and explored, the French Riveria for 5 days. This was my bucket list trip! I was soaking everything in - the colors, the architecture, the food. It was so beautiful and vibrant! I wanted to capture it and commit it all to memory. And about 4-5 days in, all I wanted was to be home. I loved being there, and I wanted to be home. Two opposite truths existing at the same time with nothing to be done about them other then allowing them both to exist without shaming myself into being more grateful. I was really grateful to be there, and I wanted to be home. And that was healing for me to allow both to exist without making one, or myself, wrong or bad.
When we got home I was so grateful and excited to get back into my routine of walking to prep for my Camino and cooking at home. When I travel, I know it about myself that trying to keep up with my routines and self-care rituals is too overwhelming. So I choose to let them go and do whatever feels good that particular day on a lesser scale. I don’t force myself to do inner work, read, journal or meditate while I travel and I usually don’t at all. I don’t feel settled enough, maybe, to do that? Or it’s like my body intuitively likes to take a break when I’m away from home? But coming back home, those are the slower parts to get back into a routine for me. For example, today is the first time I’ve meditated since getting back on July 11th.
I don’t have a bow to tie around this month in a tidy way. But I didn’t want to skip over it either. Life doesn’t pause when things are heavy and neither does the part of me that still wants to write and connect - even if it’s messier, quieter or more fearful than usual.
If you're in a season of inner unraveling or if you’re carrying things you don’t have the words for yet, or holding both/and - I’m with you.
Thank you for being here xx
A full circle moment
Sometimes we don’t get to see the fruit of the seeds we planted. But sometimes life gives us a glimpse of what healing feels like on the other side.
Years ago, a young woman who reminded me so much of myself at her age, came to me heartbroken and navigating the gut wrenching pain of betrayal trauma, trying to make sense of a world that cracked open under her feet.
We walked through deep grief, anger, rebuilding trust in herself and others, unthawing from the deep freeze of survival, remembering her voice and her Self. I walked with her through the trenches.
This month I witnessed a full circle moment that brought me to tears as I sat in a pew and witnessed her radiant, alive joy at her wedding. I witnessed a reciprocal love, a gentle and patient love, a love very full and stead where she was at ease and embodied, something she never thought was possible years ago.
The bride and I cried tears together that only we knew the weight of this full circle moment. She wrote me a card that I’ll treasure forever. Her sister hugged me. Her mother told me, “we wouldn’t be here today without you.” Her father hugged me and said, “if you ever doubt yourself or wonder the impact of your work, remember this day.”
And while I don’t often get to witness the full picture in what happens after the sessions, the rebuilding behind closed doors and all the victories…this month I did. It was a reminder that this work, which is so often invisible and arduous and intimate, is sacred and it matters.
Watching videos of people who’ve walked the Camino de Santiago
My FYP on TikTok is basically just Camino content at this point 🥹 But it’s been so helpful to see other's packing lists, gear recs, places they’ve stayed along the way. It’s been inspiring to watch so many different people walk it and complete it…it’s helping give me more confidence as I’m about to embark on my own Camino so soon!
The French architecture, colors and food
Every time I’ve been to France, I can’t help but stop and stare or take pictures on every street. The buildings and the architecture are so mesmerizing to me. It’s inspiring to me because it just gives me full body feelings of warmth, joy and awe. To think about the 100s of years they’ve been around and who’s walked in these paths before me. It blows my mind!
The colors in the south of France were unreal to where it looked fake it was so beautiful. From the blue gatorade water, to the vibrant purple flowers, to the bright orange, yellow and pink buildings - everywhere you looked was a feast for the eyes.
We went to this immersion dinner in Paris at a restaurant called Atica where you basically felt like you were in an episode of No Reservations. The dinner was based on a different region that told a story about that region and you sat in this huge room where all four walls had videos of the landscape of the region. The dinner we went to was all centered around Corsica and in between each course was a little video that took you into the story about the land, the animals and the food. And in the video at one point the narrator was talking about the animal food chain and how we as humans are not separate from that. He said a line that went something like, “the animals care about us,” and for some reason that really moved me.
A podcast that spoke to me this month
If you’re not ready to become a paid subscriber and you have the capacity to leave a tip, that would be so appreciated 🦋💐
Atmosphere 🌟🌟🌟 - TJR is one of my favorite authors…this was our book club pick of the month and it didn’t disappoint!
Nurturing Resilience 🌟🌟🌟🌟 - I started this book almost a year ago lol…I put it down because it’s written for helping clients with developmental trauma through a somatic approach, so when I took a pause on coaching I took a pause on reading it. I picked it back up and read it through the lens of helping myself. It was helpful in many ways, just dense and took me some time to get through because I needed to take breaks.
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