April, April, read all about it! 🗞️
ups and downs, things that inspired me, photos and more
I blinked and April is over! Why does time speed up as we get older?
This time of year always makes me nostalgic and excited. Excited because May means birthday month is upon us!! Nostalgic because I always get sentimental and reflective around my current birth year coming to a close and entering into a new one.
I wasn’t sure what I’d write about for this April round up newsletter, and all my brain has the capacity to write in is in bullet points at the moment. So in no particular order, April went a little something like this…
In the beginning of April I got a full body knowing that I needed to take an indefinite time away from social media. It was something I knew I needed to do for awhile now but just didn’t want to because the truth is, it’s addicting and a hard habit to break. If you read my newsletter on the threshold then you know I’m in this liminal space where a lot in my life has ended and I’m not quite sure what new is replacing the old just yet. I’ve used social media to distract myself from myself and to numb out on my life and fill myself up with the lives and experiences of others. But as I’m doing deep work to unblock myself from being able to fully contact and engage with my Self, I know filling myself up with other’s experiences isn’t going to help me anymore. It protected me at one point, and for that I thank the coping mechanism. It feels so good to not be thinking about creating content all the time and I know this sounds “bad,” but it also feels good not thinking about how to help other people all the time. So often in my life experiences there was always this lingering thought about how I could turn it into content to help others but even that was one more way I was filling myself up with others and leaving no space for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping others heal and feel understood and seen, but there are seasons for everything. And right now it’s not the season for me to keep that as my top priority. And that’s okay. I’m learning to enjoy being my top priority.
I started deeper therapy again this month after taking a little breather and the emotions have been very up and down. I truly only have capacity for a ‘one day at a time’ mindset. I restarted EMDR, am doing IFS therapy and I joined somatic group therapy that specifically focuses on healing the generational imprint of the mother wound 😮💨 It’s been a lot but it’s also been really good. My body is ready. I feel like in a lot of ways I’m learning to actually feel my feelings and be in my experience to where real progress is taking effect. I hate how slow of a process healing is, but I am going to give myself credit because at the same time, really hard things are rapidly being processed.
Ohhhh the joys of addressing chronic health issues that are intertwined with how stressed and activated your body has been and the glacial pace at which changes happen 😩 I’ve been doing things holistically, working with a functional neurologist, and to be honest…I’m tired. It’s felt like an uphill battle addressing gut issues, inflammation, bloating, thyroid and adrenal dysfunction. It takes a lot of energy to keep taking steps to address it all, and for the last 4.5 years I’ve been put my head down, made the changes I’ve needed to, taken the supplements, done all the healthy lifestyle things and I’m tired. I’m currently doing a mineral balancing protocol and while things have simplified in terms of how much I’m doing, the flare ups I’ve been having as my body is detoxing and trying to balance out have been so challenging mentally and emotionally. Especially when I’m doing all the right things. I continue to feel like I’m missing something because it doesn’t feel like it should be this hard, but at the same time am so sick of seeing how every coach and their mom on social media “has the answer and THE thing that’ll change your life!” In an age where you have to advocate for yourself and exert the energy, and financial resources, to keep taking steps forward…it’s freaking hard. I’m going to do my best and keep taking my next right steps…but just needed to vent for a sec.
And as I’ve been doing over the last 6ish months, I’m still continuing to navigate what it feels like to live slower. I feel like this month, finally, the loud voice that’s been telling me how losery I am that I’m “doing nothing” has finally quieted down some. Only took 6 months, but we’ll take it 🥲 I’ve finally felt a little less guilt and shame then the prior months, which means I’ve actually been able to actually receive it more. To start to accept that this is my life, this is the path my life needs to take even if it looks different then others and that it’s been the farthest thing from doing nothing. Especially the last 3 months as I’ve created more and more space in my life and days, the more and more progress I’ve been making, but in a different way…in the spacious, slowed down, restful kind of way.
I’m not sure what May holds, but whatever comes, my hope for all of us is that we practice being kinder to ourselves 💛
I met Brianna Wiest!!
101 Essays that Will Change the Way You Think, The Mountain is You, The Pivot Year…yes, that Brianna Wiest! She came to Austin on her book tour for her new book, The Life That’s Waiting, and I got to meet her. She told me that she could not love my style more and then she said to me, “I feel like I’m looking in a mirror” 🥹🥹 which, she probably meant about my style, but I’m taking it to mean much more because she inspires the HECK out of me. And if she sees a little something in me that she sees in herself, well then I’m crying, screaming, throwing up! Her essence, her writing and wisdom, her vibe, her life. I’ve always felt very drawn to her…we’re born the same year and we’re both from Pennsylvania…like I’ve seen parts of myself in her. And when I read her words it’s like the words came from my journal of what I’ve moved through. I know that’s probably not unique and a lot of people feel similarly to me. There’s just something in me that’s always been there, and I can’t shake it, that wants that kind of “more” for my life that she has. She’s had the courage to put herself out there and it truly inspires me so so much as I begin to navigate what I truly want for my life.
I tried new things!!
Fun fact about me…when I was in elementary school, every time I got my yearbook from school I would go home, pull out my notebook and gel pens and write every kids name in the school in print, cursive and bubble letter. That was my idea of fun, no joke 😅🥹 It felt like a gift to little me to sign up for a calligraphy class, which is something I’ve never done before. I got to learn how to use the tools and the ink and practice writing letters and words. I’m not a craft-loving kind of person, so this was more my speed, and I enjoyed learning something new! My hat is off to calligraphers who do this for work - it’s not easy and requires a lot of time and patience!
The Life List on Netflix!!
This movie HIT me. There were so many things in it that I related to on a personal level. The plot is, “After the death of her mother, Alex revisits her childhood aspirations, endeavoring to achieve her old goals, only to discover that pursuing these lifelong dreams takes her on an unforeseen and surprising journey.” I was in tears throughout it because to me it was a beautiful, meaningful movie. It incorporated grief, inner child work, rediscovering yourself, rebuilding after everything came crashing down - everything I love that is so central to a meaningful life.
A podcast that spoke to me this month
The Five-Star Weekend - you guys know I love anything about Nantucket 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Tell Me Everything - I read this for a book club I’m in and it was an interesting read. It’s deep themes were written with such subtlety that it’s one of those books where you finish it and you were like, okay that was nice, but then for weeks later the deeper themes stick with you and make an impact. Even with intense situations happening in the book, it was written with such an ease and peace that it made it an enjoyable read for me. 🌟🌟🌟
The Third Gilmore Girl - can we all agree as we rewatch Gilmore Girls as an adult that Emily Gilmore is the realest?! I love learning about people’s lives, but more then that, it’s her mindset and confidence she’s moved through her life with that inspired me the most 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Subscribe so you never miss a newsletter from my series Learning How to Live where I write about my journey recovering from CPTSD
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE #3
I have vivid memories of being a little girl and being hyper-aware of other people and their emotions, needs and behaviors to where when I look back, it was like I lived outside of my body and experience and was more so living in the experience of others.