What's Really Going on in our Relationships?

Al Turtle's got the answers

This year I’ve had some pretty major shifts in my life.

We’re talking like foundational, identity, life as we’ve known it is crumbling all around me - kinds of things.

One of those things that I’ve been having to navigate and really take a hard, long, honest look at is my marriage relationship.

But what we know to be true now is that what led me into my marriage relationship stems from my childhood and what I picked up there. So in reality, I’m taking a hard look at my whole entire life in this season. Existential kind of stuff. Good times.

I won’t get into all the details right now because it’s not the point of the post…I’ll save the tea for another article.

But something I shared in my podcast episode from October 22nd is something my individual therapist helped me see.

She said something to the effect of, “I see this all the time with couples who got together young. When you first get together you both subconsciously fall into your roles and a contract is formed, ‘I do this, you do that.’ And as people grow and evolve, the relationship also has to grow and evolve…but it has a harder time doing that when both people are still operating from the original contract. And if both individuals keep doing the same thing, the same patterns will persist, and that’s usually where fights happen which then leads couples seeking out therapy. And essentially what has to happen in order for the relationship to continue is that old contract has to die and a new contract has to be formed.”

Now it’s not that cut and dry. Some people don’t want to do the hard emotional work of having to look that themselves that deeply. Some people are okay with maintaining the same roles. Some people don’t have the capacity to even know to want more for their relationship, and themselves.

But if both people are willing, it’s what creates openness, longevity and fulfillment in the relationship.

Something my therapist turned me onto is the Map of Relationships by Al Turtle:

Al Turtle was a couples therapy mentor to my therapist and he recorded a deep dive into what he calls the Map of Relationships — You can listen to or read the whole lecture here. (no, like really, do it…I promise you will be so grateful you did!)

After reading through the PDF of his audio recording, I knew I couldn’t gate keep this.

In the lecture he says, “And so, what can this Map of Relationships do for you? Like all maps, it will help you make sense of where you are, help you make good choices about where you want to go, and especially how to get there. If you are single, never married, it will let you understand better what is ahead of you. If you are divorced, it will probably give you some encouragement and direct your steps. If you are In Love, this may not do much for you. You are already enjoying life a lot anyway. Still, this Map will let you plan ahead. If you are married, unhappy, struggling or fighting, this Map will probably restore hope, make you feel better about where you are, will point the way to the choices ahead of you and will shorten the way forward to a great relationship.

If you are long-time married, but feeling a bit dissatisfied, this Map may help you start on your way back toward a really great, joy-filled marriage. If you are in a relationship, but on the point of considering whether to leave it or not, this Map will definitely help with that decision. If you are married and frantically trying to do better, reading books, taking workshops, etc. this Map may help you in choosing what courses to take.”

He goes onto say, “I think all good maps are simplifications of the territory they represent. I have created many charts or maps over the years to help couples and clients understand themselves and what is going on. My charts are designed to be seen first as a picture representing the whole, then as a chart with just enough words to remind you of the details. I will give you many more of those details as I take you through the map.

The Map of Relationship is a picture, (the best I can make) of how relationships really work, of what is really going on in them, and which you can use to plan efficiently and accurately what you want to do. You can also use it to understand what is going on for those around you, your parents, your friends, your neighbors, your children.”

This lecture is sooo juicy! So clear and helpful to understanding what’s going on in your relationship, while also bringing up the brilliant in depth points of what we as individuals bring with us into the Romantic Love stage from our upbringing.

He goes into depth on this aspect, which I think is incredibly helpful because what I’ve seen more so is the notion that the “fix” of the relationship lies solely in the relationship. But more times then not we have to look back to the unprocessed pain of our childhood to heal and unlearn the harmful beliefs in order to really mend ourselves as adults - which then and only then can mend the relationship.

Something I’ve personally had to navigate in my own relationship is if I want to remain in the relationship, or not. This has been a very torturous exploration for me. It has been wrapped up in a lot of fear, a lot of legalistic beliefs from my Christian upbringing, and also a lot of confusion because I never developed crucial parts of what Turtle calls the “Biological Dram” within myself.

And just allllll the emotions that comes with it — sadness, grief, confusion, exhaustion, anger, more sadness, shame, fear, etc.

Especially in the beginning of betrayal trauma recovery almost 6 years ago now, it was the first time that I allowed myself to consider divorce as an option when I had originally gone into marriage saying, “divorce is never an option.” That was quite the undoing. And I was only able to go so far in my exploration of my choice because survival mode was the thing my nervous system was deeming more important, and to my system, divorce threatened my survival.

But as the years have gone by and deeper layers of the onion of our relationship and ourselves have been revealed, the question has had to be revisited again.

In this lecture, Turtle does such a good job in explaining the different outcomes of the Power Struggle stage and the three different “doors” he has researched couples taking — Door #1: University of Life, Door #2: Giving Up and Door #3: Divorce. Each one of these sections was incredibly thorough and insightful. I found just by reading through it, it really helped me gain more clarity into my own situation.

The rest of his lecture is so good, I’m not even going to try to recap it, you will just have to read it for yourself because there’s so many big, hard hitting truths in there and he already said it so perfectly.

If you are someone in a relationship - I HIGHLY, STRONGLY, URGENTLY to read/listen the entire thing.

A way to take a step in your life and relationship, wherever you are, as Turtle states in the lecture towards the end, “Now let’s look at you. What I suggest you do is mentally put a “I am here” sign on the territory where you think you are. I can’t tell you where this is, by looking at you. But you can. I know where I am. Now, look at the territory you came from to get here, where you are now. Try drawing a line starting in your Traditional Family and following the path of your life up until today. Try putting down the length of time you spent in each area.

Now, stop for a moment. Ask yourself, where do you want to end up? Given where you are now, what is the path that you choose? What is ahead of you?”

I hope this supports you as much as it supported me! One thing I would suggest is bringing this to your therapist so they can help you in a deeper way, bring deeper insights and offer care and attention that you may need so you don’t have to navigate through this on your own.

Let me know in the comments what sticks out to you - I’d love to know!