today is my birthday 🎂

Birthdays have always been a mixed bag of emotions for me.

Growing up it was always emphasized that it was YOUR DAY! It was also one of the only days of the year where I felt paid attention to, special and celebrated. And I relished in it.

It was MY DAY.

I would always get so sad the next day, like my day was over and I wouldn’t feel that way again for another year.

I put so much pressure on the day because it felt like I would never be able to soak up the full amount of specialness I wanted to feel, but I tried my darndest.

Birthdays have also been terrifying to me with the fact of getting older. And I didn’t put two and two together until a couple of years ago.

Turning 30 was honestly really devastating for me. The grief that I’d never be in my 20s again in this lifetime. The grief that I wasn’t where I thought I would be when I turned 30.

But more then that…I realized a deeper why. I grew up a competitive gymnast - the kind who was at the gym 40 hours a week by age 8, who eventually started homeschooling so she could do more gymnastics and attempt her goal of trying to make it to the Olympics. And in the sport of gymnastics in the era that I competed in, anything over the age of 18 was considered old.

20? Your career might still have a shot. 22-24…you are literally an ancient grandmother and you aged out of the sport. Now it’s changed and no longer the case, but back then it was indoctrinated into me to basically peak at 16. I peaked at 13 and got injured and had to quit gymnastics when I was 15.

Knowing what I know now, that loss severely impacted me and the fact that I didn’t get professional help to support me in that transition has had lasting ramifications on my life to this day that I’m still sorting out.

The truth is, I never really pictured my life past the age of 16, other then going to college and potentially doing gymnastics there. I had a goal of the 2008 Olympics in my heart. Gymnastics was what I ate, slept, breathed and thought about. And I realized that very much impacted the way I thought about myself as I got older. Meaning, I didn’t think about myself getting older and if I did, the only thing I really thought about was the fact that you could kiss your life good bye in your 20s.

I know it’s warped, but I definitely got stunted, and it’s something I’m still navigating. My mixed emotions, my big fears, the beliefs I had that I’d never amount to anything post my gymnastics career, the way I believed your life was over once you were in your 20s. It’s a strange way to grow up, for sure, and I’m not sure why it affected me, and made as big of an impact on me, as it did.

As I’m now in my early 30s, and have had to do a lot of healing around my beliefs and mindset around getting older, I have mourned and grieved and shed tears as I’ve navigated this part of life and I am proud of myself in that I have worked hard to get where I am. Especially from where I came from.

Maybe lessons and truths that have come easily to others, or they’ve known naturally, I’ve had to tunnel my way through to rewire to get where I am to be able to believe what I believe and feel what I feel today.

It’s not perfect, and I still cycle through all sorts of old beliefs and thoughts, but going into this birthday (for the first time in my life) I’ve been able to release the pressure on the day, the desperation to be seen and feel special and actually embrace the ordinary, simple, slowness of the time leading up to my birthday and the actual day of my birthday. My only goal leading up to this birthday was to journal what I noticed and soak in this season.

I’ve been able to feel more present and celebrated within myself, and by others, without it feeling forced or pressured or needing to be big. I haven’t felt the need, like I usually do, to be super clingly to and reflective of my current age before I turn a new age, or get super deep about what it all means.

I haven’t felt the want to let everyone know it’s my birthday…and I think it all stems from feeling safer within myself and from finally feeling safer and seen in my environment and within my partnership…something that was never a constant before.

I thought about writing out a list of things that I’ve learned over the last year to impart some wisdom and offer some value to you, dear Somebody, but it feels inauthentic at the moment and I’m not feeling too reflective. But I think if there’s anything I would say, I could boil it all down to one thing…

Safety is the root of it all. Do whatever you can to create more safety in your life.

Since I was a little girl, all I’ve craved was emotional safety with someone. My life didn’t afford that to me in my upbringing, and because of my upbringing I subconsciously chose a similar chaos with the person I married.

I would see glimpses of safety in my marriage and in those moments I would freaking soar. I felt like I could do anything when I felt supported and safe. But it was never constant or long-lasting.

As I’ve navigated my trauma recovery, I realized I had to become the safe person I always needed for myself. Never being modeled that, it was really hard to conceptualize and actually put into practice…but over time I’ve gotten better at it and I’m still working on it. And the shift has been palpable since I’ve started handling my inner little one with care, believing her and no longer letting her be treated like an inconvenience.

And thankfully, my environment and my partnership has become emotionally safer as well. For the first time with a person I’m in relationship with I feel more seen and understood…what my system has always craved and needed.

So I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this birthday week (because you always celebrate for an entire week+ 😉) the pressure filled chains that kept me desperately needing the acknowledgement from others that I’m special and worth celebrating have fallen off, and I feel more at ease walking into 33 then I’ve felt any birthday before.

Safety, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, within yourself, in your environment, and with others - I am convinced, is the most important thing for your nervous system to move out of survival and into a state of rest, ease and connection. My birthday wish for all of us is that we’d continuously, and actively, pursue cultivating safety for ourselves in all the ways so that we can whole-heartedly thrive, live embodied and are able to access our authentic Self…so that can be our normal day to day experience in life.

So today I will be doing some of my favorite things - getting up without an alarm, enjoying nature, moving my body, spending time with myself, reading a book, connecting with friends, opening presents, going out for sushi with my partner and getting my favorite DF ice cream in a GF waffle cone to celebrate and cherish my existence and that I have the opportunity to turn another year older. Giving myself to permission to orient to the goodness that is within me and all around me 🌞🪻🐶 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨🍦

Will you enjoy a little treat with me today?

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