Survival Mode of the Fittest

Is it really that you're the problem? Or is it the environment you continue to exist in?

Here’s the hard truth I am up against in my life…

You cannot thrive and create and live fully alive and well from a regulated place if you are continuing to exist in an unsafe environment.

I’ve gotten away with living in survival mode for some time now, and to be fair, it’s the only mode I’ve ever really known historically.

I’ve gotten glimpses of thriving but usually wind up back under the umbrella of surviving due to things outside of my control and remaining in it because of my own trauma responses…things I’m learning how to take accountability of.

In the last couple of months I’ve been really uncovering for myself what it means to have autonomy and make choices for my life…choices that may have to go against things I’ve been fiercely protecting myself from for decades. 

It’s been terrifying. It’s been uncomfortable. It’s been bringing up all of my patterns of staying small, living in victim mode and riding along on others choices and lives because these are the things that have kept me “safe” in my life.

Starting to experience my own autonomy is what I’ve needed to do for myself to finally be able to move out of chronic survival mode, which has destroyed my wellness, my health, my energy, my desire to do things in my life, my creativity, my success, my belief in myself and more. And truly, I’m still learning what ‘autonomy’ means as it’s so foreign to me.

But let’s break this down a little bit as to what I mean…

I think there are many definitions of what counts for an ‘unsafe environment’:

• obvious one of physical abuse or violence

• less obvious ones:

  • you’ve been betrayed

  • lied to

  • manipulated

  • controlled

  • gaslit

  • trust has been broken

  • your reality has been denied or unacknowledged or invalidated, etc.

  • the person who hurt you isn’t taking full accountability, or taking the steps, to change their actions

  • inconsistent behavior

  • unexpected, whiplashing, or erratic behavior

(And we could even talk about this in regards to living in a place with mold, or really loud neighbors that disrupt your sleep, or a toxic work environment, etc.)

This can be played out in so many different ways. And it can even look like they are doing those “right” actions to change, grow and heal. At least enough for you to see things are changing in what seems like a positive direction. Their words can even be telling you they are doing x,y,z to address certain behaviors or patterns. And you so badly want to believe them because you don’t want to lose the connection, so you wait and you gather the information of is this safe or not? 

But here’s what I know to be true without a shadow of a doubt…your body knows what’s going on so accurately and it’s going to tell you.