My Commitment to Myself in September

+ an easter egg 👀 I hope you come along!

I woke up this morning GIDDY!

It’s launch day! I’m putting a piece of myself out into the world on my own terms in my own way

It’s like one of my friends said to me, “it’s exciting to put soul aligned messages out there”

And that feels like pure FREEDOM to me

Like I’ve said in my other posts here on Substack already, this portal feels like my next right step. It feels so aligned with the vision I have for myself, the ways in which I want to show up and express and when the thought dropped in it was like an electric full body YES!

So often I think so far ahead to the ‘top of the mountain’ kind of goal/place I want to be, and I’m like “how do I get all the way up there?!” while I’m standing at the foot of the mountain. And it looks huge, so far away and SO overwhelming. My pattern has been that I end up in a freeze state (within my nervous system) and end up doing nothing. For me, how I experience freeze is that my insides are tense, building with energy, needing forward momentum, but on the exterior I’m at a standstill. THAT TENSION is - woah. And unfortunately, it’s how I’ve lived most of my life 😳 Undoing that has been a process, but we’ll get into that another time.

With this idea/name/concept, I'm doing it all different. Starting this publication felt like that first doable, attainable step up the mountain towards what my partner calls the “level 10 vision.” And with that, I can feel the difference within myself - this process so far has felt invigorating, flowy, ease-full, aligned and energizing.

So ya, I woke up giddy this morning because I have this invigorating passion to write and express!

I’m excited to find my groove in this beginning step…I’m excited for how it will evolve and grow over time…and I’m giddily anticipating what could come of it! And I am humbled, honored and grateful that you are here with me 🥹

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And with that, each month I set just a few intentions for myself…this month one of the intentions I made was to write something everyday of September. Not for the sake of anything other than to write, express and release.

Basically just sit down and ask, “what wants to be expressed within me today?” and allow for whatever to come.

I expect that some of it, maybe a lot of it, will be shared here on Substack…but for my mindset, I’m going into it not thinking of writing to post, but writing to connect with myself deeper, to practice this art (as my friend says, “practice making bad art”) and to make amends to myself for all the years I've spent stifling and muting myself (out of fear and protection), and basking in the sensation of trusting myself to step into this.

I have many stories I want, in fact need, to tell. The hidden treasures within that want to be released. A few things that are top of my mind to write on are things like…

What my gymnastics career was like + the impacts of it’s ending
The process of going no-contact with family members
The nuance and complexity of my marriage relationship, betrayal recovery, being married to an addict, the evolution we’ve experienced in recovery + where we’re at now
The process of finding my biological father + meeting him (many many parts of this story that I want to share)
Impacts of childhood experiences
Ending of friendships + meeting friends in your 30s
All things about being in your 30s
Why I’ve started traveling/solo-traveling and all things travel in general (what I learn from each trip, experiences, my favorite things, etc!)
Why I have chosen not to have children yet, my process with discovering if I even want that for my life, and where I’m at with it all now
The deep roots of perfectionism
The years I experienced eating and exercise disorders and the ever-evolving relationship with my body
My health journey with hypothyroidism and trying to heal it naturally, working with functional drs. to heal my gut and my hormones, and the whole trial and error process of that
And so much more.…

So with that, going forward, the rest of my posts are going to be for my paid subscribers with the exception of 1 post per month that will be free for all! If any of this interests you, please consider upgrading to the paid subscription…for less then the price of 1 coffee out/month, you will have access to the full archive of posts, feel less alone and more understood, access to the community chat, voice notes from moi, future podcast episodes(!!!), and the pride and satisfaction of supporting someone who is stepping into life long dreams, pursuits and purpose of hers 🥹💛

Let the writing, play, connection, exploration and expression begin!!

xx