LEARNING HOW TO LIVE #4
romanticizing the heck out of summer while healing deeper layers
it’s 8:34pm
the sun just set about 20 minutes ago
i’m sitting here in my dark bedroom, with my blinds open, listening to the rain shower patter against the windows and the thunder rolling in
ughhh i love it. it’s giving that first taste of summer feel.
this past weekend i got my first taste of summer and boy did it fill me with giddiness. morning walks, pool side snacking, reading and chats with friends, drinking iced tea and tan lines. even though it’s may, in texas, summer is back baby!
summer is my favorite season. ideally, i wish i could live in an eternal summer
and this year i’m romanticizing the heck out of my summer
i’ve just come through my own personal wintering season
it got pretty dark and cold there for a little bit
i’ve been moving through cptsd recovery and going through an identity and reality crisis
it’s felt like a blank, existential free fall
and it’s caused me to slow my life down to the scary point that most of us are afraid to enter into
the place where i’ve been questioning everything— is this my life? is there another life waiting for me? am i meant to stay in this marriage or choose to leave? what does having choice and agency actually mean? does where i come from get a say on who i am? what things/people am i still giving my power away to? what is the truth, spiritually? am i real? am i crazy?
the place where i am in the process of deeply excavating and exploring what i want my new operating system to feel like when it comes from my core Self, while at the same time painfully cutting myself out of the old operating system that was placed on me and then brainwashed me
i took a little break from therapy at the end of last year and early this year because i realized that what i wasn’t doing was giving myself space to actually integrate the healing— and once i did, it changed a lot
my death grip on healing “work”, and my underlying belief that i needed to fix myself as if i was a problem, loosened and my excavation began of trying to understand what it means to live my life in the midst of healing
needing to make the shift to allow the healing work i did in therapy to help me live better in my life, instead of the other way around
and more importantly for me, what it means to live a meaningful life
there have been crucial steps i’ve taken this year that were necessary in order to unblock and unburden myself, and actually give myself permission to live a meaningful life by my design— something i’ve believed was unattainable for me and only reserved for others